Lost
by Strawberry103
Summary: I'm lost. I'm different. I cry. I smile, even though I fake it. It hurts. It hurts so much. I want to be done with it, but you're always there. For a stupid girl like me. You care and love, a stupid girl, like me. AMUTO!
1. Only The Beginning

**Strawberry: I hope you love this story, yes, I am alive, thank Jesus for that right? …. Right? Hahaha I'm sure none of you all cared… But yes, I was gone for a while, and I'm sorry… Gosh, so much shit has happened! Hahaha but this year I'm a sophomore in high school! Yepie! I finally got put into regular English! No LS English for smart me! Yeah! Hahaha but I hope you enjoy this chapter, tell me if you do and don't, and I don't mean any offence in this chapter or whole story! Enjoy! (:**

_.::Lost::._

It's not easy writing your own suicide letter. Every breath you take, and each letter you write down, and to stop and think, _"Am I really going to do this?"_ I just threw the paper away. In a way, it hurts to feel like… Dying… To be gone, to be that person everyone talked at school about. To be the first topic on the news, and knowing that some people would be laughing and complaining on how stupid I was. Do I feel like a burden? No. I feel like my whole existence in life is a waste. Sometimes. I hate watching TV or movies and they talk about "being yourself!" and other shit. People say this all the time and it bothers me… Because whenever someone does "be themselves" they get judge. When gay people come out the closet cause they want to "be their self", they get blamed, bullied, and looked down upon. You have people screaming at you on how you're going to hell because you're going for what you love. My grandmother used to take me to church when I was young. The preacher would always say, "God is in your heart and forever will be. He loves everyone the same, no matter what they've done or did. Everyone is his child." And now I just think that, if god really did love us all, why would he send gay people to hell because they fell in love with the same sex? A lot of people say that you are born either gay or straight, but if God didn't want you to be gay, then why did he make you? The thing is, I don't really know if I believe in God… I don't think I believe in anything. If God loved me, then why would he not help me? Does he just stand there and stare at me while I cry?

I woke up the next morning with my head spinning. This headache came out of nowhere... I got out of bed and went to the bathroom to get some aspirin. I looked in the mirror and saw my eyes red. I looked over at my calendar and shuddered. Today.

I splashed cold water to my face and put in some eye drops to help with my eyes.

"Amu!? Is that you? Hurry up and get down for breakfast!" I groaned at how loud and happy she was in the morning. But smiled lightly. I went down stairs after getting ready with my bag. I sat down and slowly ate my food.

"Amu? What's wrong?" My mother asked.

"I'm having nightmares again..." She stopped eating and looked at me warmly.

"You're okay, Amu." She gave me a warm smile and then stood up with the chair screeching against the floorboards. That was a pleasant sound for my head...

"It's time to go! We should get you to school." I got up slowly and grabbed my bag.

"I think I'm just going to walk to school for the first day or maybe the rest of the year. I just wanna change my life schedule a little, plus you will have more time to get ready." She looked at me for a while and sighed.

"Amu if this has-"

"Mom, I'm fine. Like I said. I just wanted to change a little." I said reassuring her. She smiled lightly and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Well okay, but call me if you run into trouble or anything!" I got my bag and walked off and waved to her before closing the door shut. I sighed and started walking. School wasn't a place that I loved. More like I hated it. It was a ten minute walk, but worth it. The air and breeze felt nice on my face. It was cold, but I still loved it.

Once I finally made it to school, the whispers started. I sat down at my desk looking out the window watching kids run to get in the building before the bell rang.

"Morning!" I looked over my shoulder.

"God you're so loud... It's Monday and the first day of our senior year." She smiled and scouted closer to me.

"I know! That's why I'm excited, this year is gonna be the best!"

"Utau, that's what you said about last year and it, was the opposite." She got quite and looked at me sadly.

"Quit it, it was last year Utau, I'm fine."

"It's today huh?" I rolled my eyes and clenched my fist.

"This isn't the time or place to be talking about this."

"I'm sorry." She looked down and fumbled with her blue ring on her right hand. She does that whenever she's nervous, guilty or sad. I sighed and put on the best smile I could.

"Your right though. This year will be the best, I'm sure of it." She looked up and smiled at me but then turned around when she heard the door to our class room open.

In came our teacher and a boy. Blue hair. Well that's different. He looked up and everyone got really quite. Midnight blue eyes that matched his hair, with a crocked smirk placed on his face. You could already hear the girls whispering about him. Commenting on how "hot" he is and that they wanted to date him already. I looked at him and only saw a jerk behind that pretty face. I ignored when the teacher started talking. I opened my new notebook and started to doodle on the first page.

"Amu!" I snapped my head up, and the teacher looked at me worriedly.

"Tsukiyomi -San please sit behind Hinamori Amu in the back row. Hinamori-San please raise your hand." I did as was told and he came marching down pass me and got in his seat behind me. Utau looked at me and winked. I rolled my eyes.

"Hey." I heard a husky deep voice behind me and a touch on my shoulder. I flinched and he moved back.

"Dude, I wouldn't talk to her." I heard him move around in his chair.

"Why?" He asked with amusement in his voice.

"The bitch made up some story that she was raped or whatever. Attention whore."

"Tadase, shut up. You know she can hear you. You ass hole," Utau said, glaring at him.

"Yeah, I know. That was the point." I saw Utau give him the bird and turn back around. She mouthed, "Ass whip," While pointing back at him. I laughed a little, but turned to the teacher and almost feel asleep to his lecture of the rules in the class room. I couldn't though, even if I tired. Because I could feel eyes boring into the back of my head, during the whole time.

_.::Lost::._

**Strawberry: Okay! It's short, I know! Buttt, I just wanted to see what all of you thought, before I got more serious into the story. Soooo, I hope you will love this, because a lot of secrets come out about her, and to you, you're going to be put into a guessing game all the time until the answer is out there! I 'm sure you all will love this story(: And yet again, I mean no offence to the whole god thing, because I am christen and believe in god, but let's say, I believe in what I wanna believe in! So R&R!**

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	2. Forgot The Milk

**Strawberry: Hey! I updated, and it isn't that long, but I don't want to get to ahead in the story in the beginning chapters, believe me, next chapter will be sooo much better! I wanna thank everyone who reviewed! And the pointers too! Thanks all who pointed out about the cuss word in the summary, I totally forgot that you're not supposed to have bad language in the summary because it's supposed to be rated K. But I hope you like it, even though it's short... :/ Sorry... I just wanted to get this chapter out of the way! So, happy readings! C:**

_.:Lost:._

I guess there's a point where everyone does want to die. No one wants to wake up, and everyone's pill bottles are empty. The razors on the bathroom counter, where you cut yourself yesterday. The words people say to you, they rot in your mind, boil in your soul, build a power that you never knew was there. Creates a new point of view, changes the while game. And suddenly you realize you're at the point where, "Yes, I do feel my life is fragile." The words said by others can make you pick up that razor, place it against your perfect and ceramic like skin, push and push deeper and deeper as your mind empties for a little while. The blood rushes to the surface and rolls down your thin wrists. Now you're scared for life. Another tear rolls down your cheek and you realize, you're alone. No one will comfort you, and the people you love the most? They're gone. Left. For someone else. And that's when you say to yourself, "I'm depressed. Something's wrong with me." What are your parents doing? Sitting in bed, watching TV, maybe talking about how proud they are of you. Not knowing you're in the next room crying, shaking, head in your hands and toilet paper to cover the burning cuts. Your life is now in your hands, and this razor can save your life, or end it. Your cuts begin to swell, the bloods drying. And your mind is telling you, "Again."

"Amu? Are you done with the bathroom?" I froze. I sat on the toilet holding my wrist to a hand full of toilet paper.

"A-almost!" I cursed myself for stuttering. I felt like a hummingbird with my heart beat going wild.

"Well okay then, just wondering." I stayed still until I couldn't hear footsteps anymore. I hurried and put my wrist underwater and then a bandage around securing it. I pulled my long sleeve down and washed everything. The inside of the sink, the ground a little and grabbed the bloody toilet papers and stuck them in my pocket so I could dispose them in the big trash bin outside. I walked out and acted as if I only did something totally normal.

"Hey mom! Where are you?" I yelled wondering where she was. I didn't hear a thing and decided to check outside in the back where she usually spends most of her time working on the garden that she made after _that_.

"Hey mom, what did you need?" She looked over and smiled.

"I wanted to see if you would go out and get some milk and coffee creamer? I need it for tomorrow morning."

"Yeah sure."

"Great! Go get cash from my purse, and don't forget to bring your phone!" I nodded and walked inside to the counter where she always puts her purse, but it wasn't there. Weird, but I went upstairs to her room to see if maybe it was in there. I opened the door and smelled the familiar comforting smell that I loved as a kid. I never come in her room much because we always spend time in the living room together. I looked over her room and spotted her purse on the night stand. I went and picked it up and rummaged through to find some money, and just when I was just about to place her purse back, I saw a small book. I pick on the book and quickly flipped through it. A diary? When did my mom ever carry that around? I put it back down. No, I will not look through this, Amu you're better than that. I put her purse back on top of the new found diary and headed for downstairs and out the door.

It's late. Dark outside. I go to the trash and throw away the toilet papers under a trash bag. Then I hurried to get to the grocery store. It was only maybe a 10 to 15 minute walk. I never mind, usually. Tonight just felt creepy, like something bad was going to happen. Footsteps. I hear them behind me and stop and turn around. Nothings there. Nothing is always there. I continue to walk, but I hear them. Adrenaline kicks in. And I run. I run fearing my life. I take out my cell phone and put it to my ear, faking that I'm on the phone with someone. I slow down and walk normally. Their gone. Just like that, their gone. I sigh from relief and pull my phone away from my ear and put in in my pocket. I'm stupid, no one is following me, and no one ever is. This isn't the first time this has happened, It started since_ that _day, When I look behind me, I think that I'll find _him_, but all I ever find is an empty space where I had thought _he_ would be. It's like he haunts me. And I'm scared he'll find me.

When I arrive at the store, I grab a small basket and go down the aisel to find the creamer. My mom didn't tell me which one she wanted, so I'll just surprise her with Carmel chocolate. Next was milk. I went down to the next aisel and stopped in my tracks. I know that guy. I know him… I shook it off as some kid who went to my school. He was right in front of the milk that I needed.

"Uh sorry, can I get passed you a second?" I asked quietly, almost like a whisper, but I knew he heard when he turned over and met my eyes. I looked away but back up to see him still looking at me confused.

"You're Amu right?" I nodded slowly concluding that he must go to our school, and then it hit me.

"You're the new transfer student right? Sorry, I forgot your name."

"Tsukiyomi Ikuto, yo." He smirked, and I stepped back.

"Well it was nice seeing you Tsukiyomi-san; I'll see you in school." I turned around and started to walk away until he yelled, "Wait!" I turned back around to see him walking towards me.

"You can call me Ikuto, I prefer it that way, and I have a question for you." I nodded and checked the time on my phone, I still have time.

"What's the whole thing about what Tadase said on Monday? And then everyone that week too, are they rumors?" I hated those rumors. I think the whole world is vindictive. I think the people are consumed by what they see and think. They don't care what hurts other people.

"You can believe whatever you want to believe, besides, talking to me, won't make you any friends." I turned away leaving him standing there. I purchased my item and walked out as fast as I could. When I got home, I put the creamer in the fridge and started walking up stairs, until my mother called me back down stairs.

"Amu. Explain this." I look to see what was in her hand and then everything stopped at that moment. I left the razor with blood on it on the sink counter.

_.:Lost:._

**Strawberry: CLIFF HANGER! Sorta... Hehe what's going to happen next? I guess you could say there was some amutoness? No? Yeah you're right… I 'm sorry, but I promise, there will be that in the story if you continue to read this, which I hope you do! (: Please review and favorite and follow! And if you have any suggestions, then I'd be glad to hear it or any mistakes you saw, point them out, I can only get better! I am alos looking for a beta reader! So if anyone wants to help, I would really love that(:! I usually say this in all my stories, but forgot to add it in the first chapter, soooo**

**May your day be filled with sparkles!**

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	3. Saved

**Strawberry: I am seriously sorry to everyone who reads this story, or read, if you gave up on it, I wouldn't blame you. I gave up on this story. I couldn't bring myself to write any more. I was sinking so low into a depression, that doing everything I loved was a pain. I broke a promise last week. I broke a promise to my friend, no, more like my sister, who I met on here that I wouldn't cut anymore, if she didn't. And for almost a year, 9 months, I kept that promise, until one day I couldn't take it. I went into the shower and grabbed my razor and slashed into my wrist. Feeling the pain, and watching the blood go down my wrist. I haven't told anyone, but I guess everyone who reads this will know now. This isn't some cry out for attention, this is a cry out, that for anyone who thinks their alone, or feel weak. Well you just met someone who is the same. This is an apology to you. For breaking that promise that I tried to carry out, for ignoring you because I was ashamed. I'm sorry. Now I have to live with another scar, more guilt, and pain. While I was in the shower last night, I looked at the new scar on my wrist and thought of this story, of the people who read it, and decided to try and continue with it. So here is the 3rd chapter.**

"Amu. Explain this." I look to see what was in her hand and then everything stopped at that moment. I left the razor with blood on it on the sink counter.

"My razor?" I asked questionly. I stuck out my hip and crossed my arms in front of my chest. I was good at acting. I could do this. I just got to act as cutting would never come to my mind, like I've never done it.

"Yes Amu, I know. But why is there blood in the razor?" She said sternly. She looked serious, but I could tell, she was afraid of the truth, of what was already in her mind. I held out my hand signaling her to hand it to me. She did ever too slowly, and when the razor lay in my palm, I only wanted to do what I always ever do.

"This is a razor mom. It's used for shaving legs so they become hairless and smooth. I think I cut my leg or something when I was shaving, since there isn't a lot of blood on the razor blades anyways." I just hope she's not going to ask for me to show her. Cause honestly, I didn't.

"Show me." Are you kidding me? I sucked in my breath and thought of an idea quick. I went to pull up my skinny jeans and quickly dug my thumb nail into the back of my ankle. I took it slow rolling up my jean and then pulled my thumb away seeing it make a small mark that could easily seem like a razor cut on accident.

"See? Aw crap, it's bleeding again." I could see my mother take a sigh of relief and smile.

"Did you seriously think I would cut myself?" She looked down to the ground obviously upset. I felt bad, making her feel this way. She's putting herself down of even think that id cut. And the worst part is that I do, and I'm lying to her face right know, making her feel like a terrible mother and me feeling like the worst daughter on Earth.

"It just you've been through so much Amu! I-I-I-"Falling to the ground with her hands over her face crying. This is what I do. I cause pain. I knelt by my mother and placed a hand on her back.

"Mom its okay, I'm fine. I'm over it all. Got to put the past behind you right? You taught me that. I smile every day because I know that life only gets better." As much as I'd like to believe all the bullshit I'm saying to her, I don't. But she just needs to know… that I'm okay, even when I'm not. She looked up at me and I gave her the best smile I could and once she saw that fake radiant smile, she grabbed me into a hug and cried in my shoulder while I held her there. When she was done, I watched her leave up the stairs and into her room. I quietly went up the stairs also and into my room, closed the door and sat down on my bed. Grabbed a pillow, put it up to my face, and screamed.

Everything comes to your mind so fast all at once like a bullet. Pain, regret, sorrow, anger. I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry I lie. But I do it for you. So you won't have the thought of "Will she cut again?" or watch over me. I don't want you to cry over your bed with a bottle of alcohol like you did when dad died. That will tear me apart. To know that I could do that to you. It kills me to even see you cry. It's my entire fault and I'm sorry. If I wasn't stupid and left the razor. If I just didn't fucking cut, then this would have never happened! I wouldn't have to feed you all that bullshit, because maybe it would be true!

"I'm sorry mom!" I threw the pillow at the wall, falling to the ground sobbing, not being able to even see clearly. I needed to. I need to do it. I stumbled to my desk and opened the door. Box cutter. It's so sharp, and could easily end my life if I cut deep enough. And just knowing that my life is in my hands, made me feel somewhat calmer. One push and a click and the top part of the blade is out. I rolled up my sleeve and placed the cold metal blade on my wrist.

Everyone at school thinks I'm a lying bitch who's a loser!

Slice

All the rumors at school, driving people away from me

Slice

Everyone writing on my locker and putting hateful words my desk.

Slice

Making my mother cry.

Slice

Lying to everyone!

I dropped the razor and heard it clatter with the ground, "Shit!"

I grabbed a towel and held it on my wrist. I had never cut this deep before. Not only that, but I opened fresh wounds and cut over them. With blood streaming down my wrists, to my finger tip and dropping pure red to the nice light brown tile wood floor, I felt numb. What if my mother walked in and saw me doing this? What would she even do? She would probably scream and cry. Maybe even cowering in fear not expecting anything. All she was going to do was come to say goodnight and she found me on the floor, slashing into my wrist. I need to stop. I have got to. I'm going to stop cutting for once and for all. This will be the last time, I hope.

I got up slowly and quickly ran into the bathroom, locking the door. I put my wrist under the faucet with the water stinging and washing away my blood. After that for a while, I put a big bandage over my cuts along with some ointment. I got a black damp towel and went in the room to clean up the blood that had gotten on the floor. I grabbed the tissues and put them in my old jewelry box and the damp towel in my closet. I then just sat on the floor by my bed with my new cut wrist in front of me putting on a show. Why do I even do this to myself? I just… I need to stop.

I got up and went to my closet and put on a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and a navy blue V-neck with my black sweater over it. I put on my converse and quietly walked out of my bedroom and slowly went down the stairs. I needed to get away, out this house. I loved being by myself, feeling free almost. It was dark and cold and I liked it. No footsteps, no nothing. Just the sounds of crickets. I was only walking around my neighborhood, not wanting to go too far. I was just about to turn the corner and head back to my house a different way, when I felt a hand grip on my shoulder. Instead of running, I shut my eyes and fell to the floor pulling out my phone ready to speed dial the police

"Leave me alone! Stay away! I have the police on the line right now!" Which wasn't true, because I didn't know who this person was, and I didn't dare show my face, or look into their face. My eyes were burning. _His hands going up my thighs, whispering in my ear…_

_"Are you ready?"_

"NO! STOP!" I screamed with my hands over my ears, clenching my jaw, tears already flowing. I'm scared, I'm really scared.

"Amu! Hey it's fine! I won't hurt you! Trust me." A guy's voice._ Him_?! I felt his hand touch my shoulder again and I flinched and opened my eyes scooting back.

"Tsukiyomi-san?" His whole face was showing that he was worried. About me? It's weird to have other people care besides Utau and my family.

"It's Ikuto. You okay? You're crying." No. Crying in front of others will make me look weak, and then they will know where to attack. He came forward. I got up and bolted in a different direction then my house.

"Amu!" I ran fast. Not him, seriously of all people. What if he tells people at school, what if another rumor gets started? I want to cut. My arm is throbbing for me to cut. I want to. No, I need to. Who was I joking thinking I could stop? I stopped by a lamp post, leaning against it catching my breath.

"Oh hey girl! What are you doing out so late? I think you were looking for fun right?" I looked up to see some skinny white boy coming up to me. Dirty white tank with black skinny jeans and a red plaid jacket tied around his waist. He took the cig from his mouth and threw it on the ground, stomping on it. He came closer and right when I was about to reach for my phone, he grabbed my wrists and held them above my head against the lamp post.

"What you think you're doing girl?" I turned away from him trying to be strong, no crying, you can't show him you're weak.

"You got a nice body, dear."

_His hands going up my thighs, whispering in my ear, "Are you ready?" Gripping my hair and yanking on it for an answer._

"STOP!" I spit in his face and tried kicking him but failed. He rubbed his face in his shoulder and looked up at me like he was ready to kill me.

"You dumb bitch!" He raised his hand in the air and I squeezed my eyes shut waiting for the impact. He went straight for the top of my head, and he sure didn't hold back. I felt his hands get ripped off of my wrist and him getting pulled away. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Ikuto Tsukiyomi beating the crap out of him. The white boy stopped fighting and kept raising his hands in defense, as saying, "I lost."

"Tsukiyomi-san!" He didn't stop punching him.

"Tsukiyomi!" He still didn't stop, and kept punching him. I could see blood already, and I was in fear. He could kill him!

"IKUTO!" He finally stopped and looked over at me. I was in tears and started wiping them away with my sleeve.

"I'm okay, just please stop…" Silence filled the air until he dropped the guy on the ground and walked over to me. He rested his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes.

"What did he do." I looked him in the eyes and could see worry, sadness, and guilt. It scared me. I'm scared of guys. Their actions, their words… But him, I felt okay, I didn't in the beginning, but he saved me. I looked at his hands on my shoulder, they were big and felt warm, comforting. I think he noticed me staring at them because he took them off and put them in his pockets.

"Sorry, you don't really like it when people touch you. I noticed because you always flinch or back away… Sorry." He looked down at his feet and I did the same.

"Amu?" I looked up at him and his eyes still held the same emotion. I gave him a questioning look.

"I'm so sorry. You're standing here with a tear stained face, and this wouldn't have had happened if I had ran faster after you or if I had never freaked you out in the first place. Are you okay or at least going to be?" My eyes started to tear up again. He cares. I don't understand why he would care for a stupid girl like me, but he cares. And to just know that someone else out there cares for my wellbeing, it makes my walls less rough around my heart.

"Aw shit! Look I didn't mean to make you cry again! Uh… Do you want anything? I can order pizza! But that would be weird to get it ordered to us on the street. Do you even like pizza? What about a dog? Do you like dogs? I have a dog!" I started to laugh slowly and then I couldn't control myself and started holding my stomach while hollering with laughter. I looked up to see his face, and it only made me laugh harder. He looked hopelessly confused! With an eye brow up and his face totally looking like he's constipated!

"What? What's so funny?" I started to calm down and regain composer. Gosh, I haven't laughed in so long, and don't even remember the last time I did. It felt, nice…

"Hahaha- You're wired!" He gave me the same constipated look again and I laughed all over again.

"Okay I'm sorry I'm sorry… And I'm fine. Thank you so much, believe me I didn't want to go through that again." Just thinking about being touched again, makes me want to die.

"_Again_?" He asked with an even more worried expression. I looked to the ground at my feet, then back up at him. My lip started to quiver and my eyes started to water. I took one step and fell in to hug him. I could feel his body tense up, not expecting that, but then he soon relaxed, and put his arms around me. When he held me, it felt nice and comforting, different from him.

"I want to protect you Amu, I don't know why, but I just do. There's something about you that draws me in. I'm a friend, not the jerks at school. I will never treat you like that." He was slowly knocking down my walls one by one.

"Mhmm." I nodded into his shoulder. We stayed like that for a minute more and I started to let go, and I felt him do the same. He got up and then reached his hand down to pull me up. I hesitated, but he just gave me a warm smile, and I felt reassured. He pulled me up and I dusted off my pants.

"Should we get going? It's probably past your bed time." He said, I looked down at my phone and clicked on the screen to see it was only 10:35.

"What? It's only like 10:30!" He smirked and put his hands in his pocket, "exactly."

"It's Saturday!" He chuckled and we feel into a deep silence. I felt that it was awkward and made sure to keep my distance a little. He seemed like a nice guy, and could be a good friend, but you never know… I never know… It could all be a trick. Oh my god. Now I'm freaked out, he just wants to gain my trust, ad then, he'll turn on me. He already seems like a player. I sometimes see him flirting with girls in school, and all the girls love him. I want to get away. I need to, something bad could happen.

"Where are we going?" I asked, he turned around a little where I was behind him walking slowly.

"Well, your house. Unless you want to go somewhere else?" He said while smirking. Okay I need to get away. And I was so close to trusting him. This guy is something; he sure knows how to make a girl feel reassured and comforted. Protecting me? Lie. A friend? Lie. Treat me differently? Lie, their all lies.

"No, goodbye. I'll get home on my own." I quickly walked past him, but he grabbed my arm and I winced. He noticed that and let go.

"Amu, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-" I ran, and took a different route that was longer and made other turns so he couldn't follow me. Once I got out in front of my house, I was basically gasping for air. I didn't stop once. I was freak out. I just wanted to go in and be safe.

**Strawberry: That's it, stay tuned for the next chapter I guess. Review if you want, it'd be nice, make me happy.. If any of you out there, felt the same, message me. I will be here for you, cause you really aren't alone.**


	4. Should I Jump?

**Strawberry: Okay.. So it's been a while... I suck… I'm being homes schooled now so I guess I have more time to write! So I don't want to keep you waiting to read soooo, go at it my loves! Shout out to xoxAmuto4everxox to messaging me and telling me to get off my butt and write! This chapter probably wouldn't have been made with out her nudging! I don't mean that in an mean way, I'm glad she did! Love ya girl! (; **

**READ CHILDREN!  
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_.:Lost:._

I woke up panting, grasping for air. I brushed my hair away and looked around. Another dream of him. I want to _cut_. My head is saying yes but my heart is saying no. I won't. I can't. _Mom_.

I get up out of bed and put on my uniform with my jacket over it. December is cold…

"Bye mom heading out!" She came up to me and kissed the top of my head.

"Be careful, love you!" I walked out into the cold and hugged my jacket closer to myself.

_Step. Step. Step. Step. Step._

I held my breath in and stopped. The stepping stopped and I quickly turned around to see... Nothing. _No one_.

_"Are you ready?"_

I run to school while plugging in my ear phones drowning out any thing, only Ed Sheeran singing in my ears. I passed through the school gates, keeping my head down. I knew that people where talking about me but this time, but I kept my head low and quickly walked towards my class. Right before I stepped a foot in my class, I was pulled back. I looked and saw Tsukiyomi pointing at his ears. I took out my headphones and looked at him.

"Hey I was calling for you to wait up." I looked up at him and saw him smirk.

"Yeah well, headphones were in so I didn't hear you." He rolled his eyes.

"I know that." Then I rolled my eyes.

"Then if you knew that then why did you tell me you were calling after me. Obviously I knew you were if you pulled me over. You know what, stay away from me. I'm not a _game_ and I don't need any bull shit from pricks like you." I then turned around but he caught me by the wrist. I winced and sucked in my breath. He must have not noticed since he pulled me to look forward at him.

"_Really_ Amu? A prick? I know you're not a game, I'm not playing you. I just want to be friends." I scoffed.

"Yeah and then talk shit about me to the whole school." He was about to argue back but the bell rang, causing all the students to swarm in claiming their seats in their classes. I yanked my arm back and quickly walked to my seat. I sat down and watched Tsukiyomi take his seat behind me. He kept saying my name and poking my back but I ignored it all and laid my head on the desk, putting Ed Sheeran to my ears once again.

_Give a little time to me; we'll burn this out,_

_We'll play hide and seek, to turn this around,_

_All I want is the taste that your lips allow,_  
_My my, my my-y oh give me love,_

_My my, my my-y oh give me love,_

_My my, my my-y oh give me love,_

_My my, my my-y oh give me love,_

_My my, my my-y oh give me love_

I started to slowly fall asleep and Tsukiyomi must have gave up because I didn't feel him poking me anymore. I sighed and slowly, fell asleep.

_.:Lost:._

I woke up to someone nudging me. I slowly woke up to see Utau waving at me. I took out my headphones and got out of my seat and stretched.

"Is it lunch time?" I looked around and found no one in the class room.

"Yeah, I got to school a little late and right when I entered class I saw you sleeping and didn't want to wake you up because you looked so cute!" I laughed and we both headed out the class room.

"Amu!" I turned around and saw Tsukiyomi come up to me.

"Oh hey Ikuto, were you waiting for Amu?" He smiled and nodded.

"Utau lets **go**." I said sternly, and started to walk away.

"Do you run away from every person who tries to come close to you Amu?" I kept on walking and heard foot steps behind me.

"Maybe not running, but walking? Or are you going to run from me like Saturday night? Are you a coward?" I put my hands into fists and stopped dead in my tracks. I heard smaller steps continue walking and looked up to see Utau in front of me.

"Amu. He wants to be your friend. What's wrong with that?" I looked up at her in shock. Did the events of last year just wipe out her memory?

"Are you kidding Utau!? You know what I think, what I've been through! Let that sink in for a bit." She started moving her ring again, but I brushed pasted her and went ahead. I went upstairs, that led to the roof. Once I got up there I breathed in the fresh air and went towards the edge. It would be so easy… So easy to just jump off. I let go of my backpack on the ground. I stood there, looking at everyone walking, throwing their head back laughing, and eating. I could end it all here. My body could fall and I could feel free for a moment and then crash to my death. I could die instantly and not feel a thing. I took another step forward. Will I really do this? No. My mom, Utau… And _him_, finding out that I killed myself, smiling in satisfaction. I know I won't, but hell, it sure would be nice.

"AMU!?" I then heard rushing feet and someone pulling me in to their chest and us falling backwards. I heard a groan and looked up, Tsukiyomi.

"What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you serious? Were you seriously going to jump!? Are you stupid!?" I looked over his shoulder and saw Utau standing at the door way, hand over her mouth. I quickly got out of Tsukiyomi's hold and raced to Utau, hugging her to death. She started to cry, whimpering in my ear.

"I'm sorry, I-I'm sorry!" I started to cry a little too and pulled back.

"Utau no I'm sorry, I should have never blew up at you like that." She nodded her head and continued to cry. I sighed and hugged her again.

"Utau I'm alive, it's fine." She shook her head and pulled away from me.

"But you were going to jump, I could've lost you! I don't know what I'd do if I lost you Amu, you make everything right in my world! I love you to much!" I looked down, sort of ashamed for even thinking of wanting to do it. I'm her only friend. Everyone else has alienated her because she's friends with me, and sticks by my side.

"I wasn't going to jump Utau… I was just looking at everyone below me. I swear I wasn't I could never do that to you or my mother. I love you too." She sighed relief and grasped me into a bone crushing hug. She whispered, "Ikuto looks heart broken over there, show him some love. We were talking Amu, and he really just wants to be not just yours but our friends. I think he's really nice, please, just talk to him. Please, for me?" I sighed and nodded my head. She squealed and let go of me.

"I'm gonna go to class, the bell will ring soon! See you guys in there!" She wiped her face clean of tears and smiled at us before walking out. I turned towards Tsukiyomi.

"Look Tsukiyomi-San. I'm sorry that I freaked you out but never was I going to-oouff!" Tsukiyomi came and hugged me into his chest, so close I could hear his heart pounding.

"God Amu, you just ugh! Why? Don't ever scare me like that! I swear I was going to have a break down." I was sort of shocked, he'd care. I looked up into his eyes and saw them watery. Fear, worry, and a little compassion. I could feel him shaking, and hear his heart beat pounding at his chest so fast. He… Does care.

"You're not going to sell me out? You won't create rumors or gossip of me?" He shook his head and held me tighter.

"Never. Not in a million years, I swear." I smiled a little. I then slowly hugged him back, he jolted back.

"Are you trying to hug me? The sassy Amu who pushes people away, is trying to hug me?" He smirked and I blushed, looking away, and nodded my head a little.

"Oh god, pinch me! Just pinch me sassy Amu! Tell me this isn't a dreeaam!" He held out his arm and looked away. I smirked and punched him in the stomach.

"Do you believe it's a dream still? Or do I need to punch you again Tsukiyomi?" I said putting on an innocent smile. He groaned and shook his head.

"No no, that's okay sassafras, I got it, thanks…" I laughed and punched his arm playfully. He laughed to and grabbed me in and shook up my hair.

"Hey! Stop that!" He laughed and kept doing it.

"Tell me I'm your friend!" I sighed.

"Tsukiyomi you're my friend!" He stopped and looked at me.

"Stop that." I looked at him in confusion.

"Stop what?" He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Saying my last name like that, say Ikuto. Iku-to." Oh… I nodded my head.

"Say it." I looked at him weirdly.

"You're name?"

"Yes."

"What? Why? You're weird."

"Say it or I'll mess up your hair again!"

"Okay okay! Geezz... Ikuto. There, happy?" He smiled so brightly that I felt myself starting to smile.

"Say it again." I looked at him weirdly, but then he playfully glared at me. I rolled my eyes.

"Ikuto." And with that, the bell rang and this time, he took my hand, not my wrist and walked with me to class. I still have my worries, but I'll trust him, only once. If he screws up this chance, then good bye to you. But inside, I'm really hoping that we become really close.

Wouldn't that be nice, Ikuto?

_.:Lost:._

**Strawberry: Boooyahhh! Slamajama! Bowchikabowbow! Hahaha anywaaayyyss! So that's it! Their friends! Woop woop! But who knows, maybe not for long.. Haha I have the keyboard bitches!(; Aha but please review! I'll love you forever! Tell me how you liked it! Seriously, I just love when you guys comment nice things, it makes me less lonely I guess ahah in a way :p Anyways REVIEW AND I'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHAPTER! ;D**


	5. Unexpected

**Strawberry: Hey y'all! Bam! New chapter(: I'm dealing with a lot of things right now so I'm extremely sorry with not updating all the time. Let's just say, it's not easy living a life you hate. But onwards my readers, hope you like this chapter.**

_.::Lost::._

It's been about two weeks since I became Ikuto's friend. He sticks up for me and is just there I guess. By there, I mean always by me. Seriously. He sits with us at lunch, walks me home, which I figured out he lives like 5 minutes away by walk, the next block over. He also walks with me to school, and he's met my mom. Let's just say, she was overjoyed. Which I loved seeing her like that, but as soon as he left she pressured me with question about if I liked him, or if we were going to date. Which I told the truth this time,_ no._ I would get annoyed with him being everywhere, but I sort of think its sweet. And to be honest, I like being around him. I haven't heard any foot steps behind me anymore, or feel like I'm being watched. So this is good and I like how my life is turning around. The only downside is that people at school, mostly the girls, have not liked that me and Ikuto are close, I guess. I've been getting more bullied, but they back down once Ikuto tells them to back off. I haven't cut, which is good. I crave it, but whenever I do, I take a walk and let my mind go off. Today though, Utau and I are going to the mall. She insisted that Saturdays are the best days to shop.

Once I walked out the door to Utau's car, I instantly regretted on leaving the house. My warm bed…

"I'm _so_ excited! You ready?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"More then I'll ever be." She rolled her eyes and drove out my drive way.

It was quiet, all but Utau singing with the radio. She would nudge me to sing along but I never sung a note. We used to always sing together and jam out, but I just can't bring myself to do any of the things I used to love to do. I'm sure my guitar is way out of tune and collecting dust in my closet.

Once we were at the mall, like usual, Utau dragged my around to all her favorite stores and put on a show with each outfit, me being the judge. Of course she tried getting me into clothes, but I refused. I'm fine with a t-shirt and skinny jeans now. When we walked out of one store and started walking away, I soon noticed I left my bag inside.

"Oh shit Utau, I left my bag in the store, I'll be right back!" I then bolted towards the store to the changing rooms where I was last at sitting when Utau tried on clothes. I felt relief wash over me as I saw it beside the chair. I grabbed it and quickly walked back to Utau.

"You found it?" I nodded my head smiling.

"Well check and make sure everything is there!" I looked through my bag, finding my wallet and phone still there. I checked in my wallet and made sure my money was all there. But next to one of my dollar bills, was a ripped piece of paper. I took it out and my stomach almost fell.

_Don't forget me Amu._

_Him_. It's **him**.

"Utau, w-we need to g-go." She looked at me strangely.

"I don't feel good; I need to l-leave. Now. I need to go." She slowly nodded her head, sending me a worried glance. I quickly walked in front of her, heading back to the car.

"Amu slow down!"

I couldn't slow down though. My heart was pounding and I felt as if my stomach was being ripped apart. I felt like crying. I felt like tearing into my flesh. I wanted to cut, no I need to. I can't deal with this on my own. I need to get rid of this panic. This anger, this sadness, this fear.

I got to the car and waited for Utau to beep the car doors open, and once she did, I fell right into the seat and slammed the door. Calm down Amu, you're with Utau, he won't get you. _But what if he does_. What if he takes Utau too? Not only me being put through this again, but Utau having to experience it. I was panicking so much; I didn't even notice we were at my house all ready.

"Want me to come in with you?" I shook my head and got out the car and closed the door. I ran into my house and locked every door and window.

"Mom!?" I ran upstairs to her bedroom, but she wasn't there. I ran back down stairs and a note on the kitchen table caught my eye.

_I went out with Kate from next door for dinner!_

_Love you sweetie, may be home late!_

_Love mom._

I screamed and ran to my room. The tears were flowing down my face, and I couldn't control my breathing. I'm sure I looked hideous, but all I cared about was finding my razor. I cursed to myself remembering I threw them out. But I knew we had a tool box in the downstairs closet, so I raced downstairs and flung the door open.

_His hands going up my thighs, whispering in my ear, "Are you ready?" Gripping my hair and yanking on it for an answer._

I grabbed the tool box and opened it, finding what I needed. Box cutter.

_"You will never forget me." He said letting go of my hair._

I didn't go anywhere else in the house. I clicked up the razor and cut into my skin. The more cuts, the deeper the razor went, the calmer I felt. The blood racing down my hand, to the floor only left me feel better. This pain is what I can control. He can't inflict this on me, I can. It's the only thing I have control over in my life. I deserve to feel this pain. I deserve it.

**_Ding-dong ding-dong._**

I looked towards the door fearing that could be my mom. But I couldn't move. The door bell kept ringing but then suddenly stopped after a while. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in. I looked down at my hands, the box cutter, my wrist. I'm a monster, inside and out.

"Hey Amu you really should lock your balcony." I turned around and met blue eyes. His smile quickly changed and he gasped. I felt my pulse, my heart, all of my organs stop working.

"Amu… What are you doing…"

_.::Lost::._

**Strawberry: Muahahah! Sorry it's so short! But, I really wanted to get this out there!(: Leave a comment, review for meh! Love me! Hahahaha stay tuned for the next chapter! Comment what you think will happen next!**


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